I'm drifting off into emo world... avoiding my so called friends.
Kate's still not taking to me. Won't even stand to listen to me.
And ughh. I don't know how to write an essay. I've been working on 2 essays for the past 2 weeks and i still have nothing.
Something is going on in my life that is making me feel so totally and utterly lost and helpless but i have absoulety no idea what it is.
Everyone thinks I am ugly.
I am not cool.
hey. I'm bored and sleepy. Grahhh...i'm not supposed to be up this late, and my dads making me paranoid up there moving around...grah..shit. go back to bed old man. Gyad....whinewhinewhine...i wanna go to bed but i'm too tired...-.- someone carry mee? o.o
Sooo...god damn. Bad day yesterday. I went to school stoned off my ass, I went to bear creek with Travis and Neil, passed out until Neil woke me up and said I needed to get on my bus. I did. I remember NOTHING at all from yesterday. I was walked home. Aaron's girl friend gave me a ride about 20 feet. I got out. They drove off. I fell. I hurt the same fucking collar bone. I then got home. Realized the xanax in my wallet, along with $10 was missing. Now I'm home because I didn't wake up until about an hour ago.
I do remember at one point begging Travis to make Ronnie call me. Ronnie did call me.
I don't know. I have been crying a lot. I miss my Ronnie.
He was my first love, and broke up with me. I lost my virginity to him!!
Pity... my best friend, and my sworn enemy :(. Well what can I say.. hello to all, and sorry if im intruding ( I keep saying that a lot I know, but just making sure ).
My life is a ruin.... some days are beautifull, waking up with a bounce in my step, and the sun in my heart... most however I detest myself, my life, what ive become, and just me. Im shy, thin, quiet ( kinda ), and have nothing to offer anyone apart from grief, hurt, pain, and shame..... why would anyone want me, especially her. She's made it obvious before, but instead of taking the obvious, I ask more questions, ponder over my thoughts.... and now I dont know if what I get back is truth or pity. I would pity myself too if I were her, if I were anyone else I would pity me. Im stuck between in such a position that I cant talk to her about it, as she's stopped talking ( which makes me jump to the logical conclusion that I should just drop it ), but I still DONT KNOW. A YES or a NO either way to her feelings would be a something, but I cant get that, and I cant ask her for that anymore. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa, why is life unfair, why wasn't I born with looks, money, and a true life instead of the hollow shell I was thrown.....
Pity. thats exactly what i need. the problem is that most pity comes from a person who understands ones problems, 'feels their pain', and then by relating to it is able to sufficiently pity the person. often, the next step is to show compassion of some kind, and to perhaps even offer a solution to the problem at hand.
unfortunately, i have found few people who understand or relate to my problems. my body went numb again today. its the second time the whole of my skin has been half as sensitive as it should be. it usually starts with my mid-area and works its way outwards. the doc said its most likely psycho-somatic. if you wanna hear more about it go read my journal.
or how about this one. i think too much, which gives me anxiety attacks. my greatest fear is that i will one day simply blink out of existence. and i know its possible. im too smart for my own good, but in all the wrong ways.
then there are all the usual human problems. girls, school, life, etc. so yeah. pity me.